Struggles and Random thoughts

I am struggling with the whole enjoying being pregnant, I am thrilled do not get me wrong it is just not all roses and hearts like I was hoping. It is hard when I have been someone who's struggled with my weight all my life. From the start I had the worst bloat imaginable even though I had just lost weight I had a bump. It has slowly turned into a flat tire that sat around my lower abdominal area now it has moved into a bump with a slight one above the belly button. I by NO means think I will ever be the cute little pregnant lady with a cute bump. My poor body has gone back to putting a few pounds on in the places I used to carry my weight. Although I can still fit into some pre pregnancy pants and mostly all tops I feel like a blimp. I know that my body is changing for a good cause and I would never give that up I just didn't think it would be as difficult to watch the transformation comfortably. I think I will feel better once the bump looks more round and like a baby bump not a questionable fat roll that is really low and round, it could be awhile. I try not to compare myself to other people but it is hard when you see all those cute bumps that clearly look like a baby bump on women. I want so much to be able to just enjoy this and not worry about weight or my body changing but that is far easier said than done. My body likes to hold weight in certain places and apparently that has not changed with pregnancy. I guess it is that in between stage or the fact my body is not my own anymore.

It is also hard when you are not small busted and have to move into maternity bras early because it is more comfortable and practical. I look down and all I see is boobs, a little bump and no toes unless I bend a little. It didn't help matters that when I finally broke down and purchased nursing bras and the strap broke. Talk about a major blow to ego luckily it seems to have been a manufacturing thing, it wasn't sewn together all the way.  I had to GULP... go up two sizes and a cup size, hoping they get me through the entire pregnancy and post birth. Let just say when she told me the size that would be good to get so I have room to grow and then the cup size I about fainted. I said there is NO WAY that I could be those sizes and they would fit. I do have room to grow as I keep being told they will do again but I really do not know how much more they can they feel like cement bowling balls attached to me.  I know great visual! I also broke down and got a pair full panel maternity capris(jeans for me) and they are much more comfy than the half panel some days. I also broke down to comfort and went up a size in undies because there is not much else that is worse than anything that binds, digs or pushes in that place under the bump. (to soften the blow I got some cute ones that make me feel pretty) It doesn't help that most clothing is made for people who are taller than 4'10 plus adding maternity to anything jacks up the price. I find it odd that some of my pants can sometimes hide the bump, make it smaller then I totally feel like I look like a blimp. I just see my body shifting around weekly. I also have become clumsy and occasionally have that lovely thing called sciatica pain and it has just started shoot down from my hip down the leg. It doesn't happen all the time and I had this previously, I first got it years ago from pinching a nerve. So between bra snaps, hip pains, clumbsiness, the skin changes, the clothes starting to not fit, constant trips to the bathroom,  and pregnancy brain that some days is really bad I can't imagine how much more can go wrong. I know these things are not that bad but I know that there are other things that come along with pregnancy that people don't tell you about and that happen to a lot of women but I find myself just saying come on and laughing. On a positive note I can feel my abs, my little bump has started to be tighter not flabby or squishy like fat so it is tighter bump, then abs, then squishy as my hubby puts it. I just can not wait for the round bump or one when there is no mistaking it.

Everyone keeps saying oh the second trimester is the best I am still waiting it has gotten better I feel way more human and my energy is up for the most part. I do not have that glow everyone speaks of and I am waiting for my appetite to come back. I still have occasional food aversion to certain smells that send me running or gagging. I still do not get that hungry throughout the day and for the most part food doesn't always sound appetizing so choosing dinner is always an adventure. I do get a few cravings here and there but they tend to be short lived and do not last that long, or I do not get hooked on certain foods for more than week and a half. The only food that has been a constant to avoid is chicken, I ate it all the time previously. In the beginning I could not stand the look of it raw & smell then it became the taste and chewiness of it when cooked that sent me running. It has become a texture thing which I have never had before but I have not given up hope on chicken. I have tried it twice recently already prepared once in a dip(barely knew it was there) and once in Trader Joe's chicken salad. I did okay with both but I will not be cooking it anytime soon as I saw my hubby making wings and about had to run. I kinda want my homemade chicken pot pie but I do not want to cook the chicken. 

I guess if everyone told you about the mishaps that pregnancy could bring then people may think twice about it. I still am thrilled to finally be on this journey but just need to let go of all my body image issues or let go of the fact that at this moment I can't do much about them, except exercise some during this time and not go hog wild with eating.  I try to just focus on the fact I am about half way through my pregnancy and that in a few short months I will get to meet my son. Oh and that brings a whole new set of worries and fears. I just know that I do not want to pass the whole self image bashing or loathing on to my kids so I am trying to be more positive or at least more aware of what I say out loud about my looks. It is a work in progress but some days I truly do not give a rat's *** what I look like as long as I am comfy especially when I didn't sleep that well the night before. I can say for the most part comfort wins over fashion especially in what I wear around the house.  I can say that all of this doesn't consume me all day every day but it does creep in now and then, especially if I catch a glimpse when I get out of the shower. I know that none of this makes me a bad person or mom it just means I am human. We all are works in progress and some have more work to do than others.